What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 14:06
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
What is the most inappropriate thing your wife has done in front of you?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So, i spoilt her more .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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Who then, do I blame.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I will be 64.
I have no regrets .
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
All the time i was locked up.
And i lived it daily.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was in good health!
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it wasn’t much.
I said to her
Would you let your partner cheat on you every now and again?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My family never makes their pension either.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Can you list every album you have ever listened to?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im still living with it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was 9 years of age.
So whats the point in blame.
One cannot live in the past .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is soul school!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Comes on , in middle age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Put me off passion for life!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I think the readers, may guess!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She found it foreign!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We all went to grammer schools
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was scared of men, in general
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When she asked me how she looked .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I waited trembling.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She loved him until the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My life is so biszare .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were not on the streets..
She married twice! .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It was going to be , some day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I write beautiful poetry .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.